Agent Smith Goes to Washington

WASHINGTON - There have been reports lately of a mysterious "Agent Smith" circulating throughout the halls of power lately. He seems to be everywhere at once - seen entering or leaving the offices of the majority leadership of both houses of Congress and the White House. He was also reported by some to be seen conferring at the same time with activists in Florida, but others dispute that claim on the grounds that "you can't be in two places at once - even if there is an Agent Smith."

Highly placed administration sources deny that Smith is behind the new "Right To Live" Act to be introduced in Congress this week. The bill will affirm that every American has the right to live to retirement age, and mandate that all measures be undertaken to assure the recognition of that right. Funding for the maintenance of each individual's life will be reimbursed from accumulated private Social Security accounts, 401(k) and other retirement investments, and home equity. Accident victims will have the added benefit of being able to draw upon insurance settlements.

An essential component of the Right to Live Act will be constant monitoring of the life signs of enrolled citizens. A spokesman for proponents of the plan says that "the monitor connections are for the collection of information and measurement of electrical activity, nothing more."

When asked about Agent Smith, the spokesman said, "There is no Agent Smith. Do you mean Mr. Smith? I'm sorry, he was a fictional character, and Jimmy Stewart is dead, more's the pity. We could have used his kind of energy in this worthwhile endeavor."

However, Smith was earlier reported to be one of the participants in Vice President Cheney's secret energy policy meetings early in the first George W. Bush term.